marvelous possessions

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or, “Things Costco Sells”
Usually we can rely on spiritually inert bathroom reading at the dad & stepmom’s country dasha. Such as: Utne Reader, 8-month old issues of Fast Company, Stephen Colbert comedy books. But this holiday I have discovered the CostCo Connection, a lifestyle magazine for CostCo members only, so very exclusive content that I have been vouchsafed access to is what I am sharing with you all.

I have long since been at odds with the listicle, once my most beloved of genres, but it being the holidays and my sentimental nature being so kindled toward a universally pardoning nostalgia: I have made a partial list of the items in said exclusive magazine/catalog, focusing on the items I do not understand. I have selected several items of whose existence I was not aware prior to my trip to the bathroom. Includes parenthetical editorial notes.

-“Soymilk Maker”’
-“Personal Blender” (fucking neoliberalism)
-Wedding rings
-Bonsai trees
-Tactical flashlight
-“Hair Removal System”
-“Defend & Deter” full surveillance system with seriously like 20 HD cameras to better be a quivering dollop of paranoia about the lush garden that God/Penn Jillette created for you
-Fireproof safe (also available: wall safe– presumed not fireproof. Pls note also that the fireproofness of non-wall safe only lasts 30 minutes)
-So many different kinds of sectional couches
-Select Lysol products
-Driveway gates, in the style of Mr. Burns’ mansion
-Zero-waste reverse osmosis system
-6-person spa
-“Adventure Mountain Playset” (retail price $14,999.00, includes delivery)
-Caviar, from Russia
-A bunch of different kinds of upmarket meat. I don’t even know how you get the meat — do you pick it up at the store or do they send it via Stubhub or something

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