i wrote this

originally published june 27th 2005

Neon signs in chicago that feature drunk sea creatures
1. Pequod’s Pizza, western Lincoln Park
Content: Whale with panties on his head. is depicted elsewhere in same location engaged in 1980s teen-movie-styled acts of rascally adventure; specifically riding some kind of surfboard, still with the panties on his head, while sticking like a giant pimply Mad magazine style tongue out of his mouth to harass the female whale, who is missing her panties, which are on his head, and is also running away trying to cover up her whale cleavage. also these whales, at least in the second mural, look more like dragons or what a disturbed children would draw if you told them to draw a dog.

2. the bar over there on clark that has a drunk fish wearing a viking helmet on the neon sign (Simon’s). The drunk fish has one eye that blinks on and off (that i think is what establishes him as drunk, since he doesn’t have popping bubbles over his head or a stagger or whale panties on his head.

based on my informal observation of this weekend’s gay pride festivities on the north side of chicago, the following trends will have to be reckoned with:
1. there are way, way more gay people now
2. Allen Iverson is to a certain kind of lesbian what Morrissey is to norteno dudes. sort of. it’s like i’m saying, just i wasn’t ready for Iverson to become the new Judy Garland all of a sudden. Do people know about this.
3. Apparently the way most people watch parades is to get HAMMERED beforehand and then weave around during the parade leering at me and smoking cigarettes like there was money in it. this goes for all people who were actually like invested in the abstract concept of pride and the people who were just rooting for offense if you know what I mean. Is this a new thing, drunken parade watching? Parades I am prepared to finally dismiss, to throw into the compost heap of shit i do not see myself ever enjoying along with:

1. Amusement parks. We, the world, have cars that go faster safer and also are not beholden to the track layout. also, why would you want to be scared on purpose, and also pay $30 to preserve that right on a case-by-case basis. Three, why do you want a funnel cake to keep you company.
2. Fireworks. it’s just light and noise, we have electricity and recorded sound now. how is watching fireworks any less impressive than watching time lapse footage of plants growing? if you are amazed by combustion go turn your stove on and off.
3. the thing with flipping up your polo shirt collar. i have no specific hate for like the genre of dude who does this, but why do you need to be wearing two-three polo shirts to do it all the way. sub-category of my non-understanding: the thing where the street duders wear just white t-shirts but in size 12XL and then that’s what they wear. can we go back to when young urban toughs had some sartorial flair.

(there was a picture of a ferengi here)

One thought on “i wrote this”

  1. 1. fireworks gets filed under sports in “quasi-abstract representation of war entertainments.” it will continue as is.

    2. the street tough white t-shirt phenomenon: if i had to guess, i would guess that after succeeding generations of street tough wear was banned by various institutions (l.a. kings jerseys, various red and blue “gang” paraphrenalia), someone had the foresight to realize that no one’s going to ban a white t-shirt, because, what are you going to say? “no white t-shirts”? we are approximately 5 years from street toughs wearing oxford shirts, or, better yet, polo shirts with their collars turned up.

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