No layups/frictionless human contact/a man out of sympathy with his time

Dumb things I tried recently:
:: Riding a bike about six blocks with left hand steering while holding a takeout cup of scalding coffee in right hand. Amazingly, not one drop of coffee hit me in the hand, though about 1/3 of the cup hit the ground. As soon as my destination was reached and I chained up my bike, I immediately turned and hipchecked a redeye honor box and burned most of my right forearm with coffee.

:: Opening a package of jewel-osco store brand moisturizing soap with my teeth. this did not result in any first-degree burns, but it did involve cutting my gums on the pointy corner of the box and then almost gashing open my whole hand after i switched to scissors.

:: winning $4 in instant lotto tickets, and immediately running back to jewel-osco and spending that $4 on one “Monster Cash” and one “Panda-Money-Um” both of which were 100% losers and I could have spent that $4 on falafel or another two cups of coffee to pour on my arms or drink.

:: trying to promote a cardboard 12pk of corona beer using one hand, cardboard handle rips, beer box smashes into ground. spend next 15 minutes soaking up beer with paper towels; then bleach-spraying beer spill, then getting lightheaded bc i used a lot of bleach in a walk-in cooler, which doesn’t have the best air-exchange rate in the world.

Sports hipster fashion watch, vol. 95:
Still can’t bring self to purchase 1995 Panthers Kerry Collins jersey for $3.50.’

will return forthwith with thoughts on the short fiction of Richard Stern, my own attempts to write short fiction, quaker oats reduced sugar granola bars and dog ownership as a rite of passage for non-dog-owners. and something about human reproductive politics. and some other shit about baby carrots and how much I don’t want to go to work in 86 minutes.

4 thoughts on “No layups/frictionless human contact/a man out of sympathy with his time”

  1. This just in from the New York Times dining section from an article about new restaurants opening in New York in the next few months:

    Ninja New York
    This $3.5 million Japanese newcomer has an executive chef, Michinobu Okamoto, leading a dozen chefs from Japan. The labyrinthine setting is designed to replicate a mountain village. Waiters in ninja garb will serve food that fuses Japanese with an international grab bag, some on tasting menus that go to $200: 25 Hudson Street (Duane Street), (212) 274-8500.

  2. Why will they look like ninjas? Did ninjas eat well? Did they even have ninja waiters, or normal waiters that just served ninjas? Needless to say the international martial arts and ninja appreciating community is very disturbed by this.

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