and then i said “you’re not supposed to eat caviar when you’re pregnant”*

as i think it was with moving to chicago, i didn’t really realize what i had gotten myself into until the first sunday of the NFL season. when i moved to chicago, i realized that 1) i would be watching the Bears every Sunday with limited exceptions. This was pretty bad, then conditions 1a-b (non-bears games are “of local interest”) was introduced. this meant, understandably, i saw much more of the vikings, packers and lions than i cared to. this also, not understandably, meant that i would see the colts, kansas city and denver all the goddamn time on the AFC channel. i have nothing personal against peyton manning and i even sort of like tony dungy (i still say he looks like phil lynott). but when i say i have nothing personal against peyton manning, what i meant was i hope he has a shitty life and i never want to see his goddamn team fucking play again. again, this is not personal. i just don’t want to see the colts anymore. i apologize for this jeff. anyway, enjoy the below edutainment before reading my ultimate conclusions, which are inevitably a letdown.

Phil Lynott
<img src=";
Tony Dungy
<img src=";

anyway, before i dissipate my rhetorical energies entirely into photo montages, i arrived in chicago with a new lease on football watching life, because i was in the central time zone. which meant the awkward 60-120 minutes in between waking up and the actual beginning of the game were nullified. at worse, you woke up at 10:30, got food, preferably from salonica, went home, and had to watch no more than 20 minutes of jimmy johnson and terry bradshaw. what’s the upshot? who gives a shit is the upshot. i was walking crosstown and i saw the CBS NFL pregame show being broadcast. i could have throw rocks at boomer esiason, dan marino or shannon sharpe. there aren’t enough rocks in the goddamn universe, that’s what i’m thinking. ULTIMATE CONCLUSION ABOUT WATCHING NFL IN TRI-STATE AREA:
1a. It’s entirely possible that many Sundays will consist only of a Jets game followed by a Giants game or vice versa. This is massively unfortunate, if the blackout rules are the same as in chicago, which is that the opposite channel can’t air a game competing with the local team game except on special occasions.
1b. I missed the eastern time zone, in my own way. I’m leaving now.

*: I actually overheard a woman, who wasn’t wearing a monocle or court of versailles-ish dandy garb (or other outward indications of cartoonish wealth), SCREAMING this into a cell phone. and all i could think of, based on her intonation, was her pregnant friend, very pregnant, doing breathing exercises and just stuffing her face with nine different kinds of caviar. i sort of wanted to follow the woman with the phone and write down what else she said, but then i saw a really floppy basset hound taking a crap into a steam grate and i got distracted. new yorkers are pretty much the worst video ever. i don’t understand where their sense of superiority over Long Islanders and New Jerseyites comes from, because they’re all the fucking same. It’s like trying to claim that Austrian is a separate language from German.

also, there are these posters for ESPN deportes where vlad guerrero is talking on the phone, standing at second base while Michael Young looks on confused. i want one of these posters but they’re all glued to the wall. god damn you.

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